The light turned yellow. Emily braked, her hand reaching for the turn signal without thinking. It was muscle memory; this was the turn-off to Boynton Canyon.

She’d returned to Sedona several times since moving away.  In between visits, the town was changing, but some of the old haunts remained. One was down that lane.

Looking across the intersection, she thought of her ex.  Their go-to trail was on that road.  Where they found each other, before the canyon’s Subway Cave became popular on social media.  Later it was a destination when the walls grew too close.

She hadn’t been to “their” cave in five years. Not since he’d shouted “Get out of my house!”—a command that left her sense of self in pieces. But now there was time, empty hours before her flight. And today, finally, she wanted to see it again.

Her hands turned the wheel and the rental car moved across the lane.

His words still hurt, no matter how often she remembered them. The tone, and the anger in his eyes. “Get out of my house!” As if it hadn’t been both of theirs, as if the shared mortgage and split chores meant nothing. The worst part wasn’t the cruelty. It was how it confirmed her deepest fear: that she couldn’t take care of herself.

She’d had no choice but to end it. So they both left their home, and she left town. 

That was five years ago. Emily was in a better place now—finally financially secure.  If those words were uttered today they would not have the same impact.  Her ex had set in motion a renaissance of sorts, as she poured passion into her business and it took off. 

“Get out of my house!” was a gift—awful at the giving, but from the ugliness was born a beautiful thing.

Today it was with new strength and serenity that she headed to their old hangout.  There was reason to be grateful now. 

A subway is a place of transit, she reckoned.  The platform then would not be the same one now.  So too the commuters would have changed. She could wander the cave today and reflect upon the woman she had become.  

What if he were there, on the very day she was returning? Emily couldn’t decide if she dreaded the possibility, or half-wished for it. Maybe it was both.

The parking lot at the trailhead was mostly empty this early on a weekday.  She smiled as the rocks crunched beneath her feet and the scent of Juniper and Ponderosa pine drifted on the breeze. It had been too long since her last hike in Sedona.

Soon the scrub parted, revealing the base of a final scramble.  Emily climbed up the chute adroitly as of old, and looked around. What were the odds he would also be here?  She almost laughed. Of course he would have to show up today, of all days.

For a moment she was alone.  She sat deep in the crevasse, enjoying the solitude and the contrast of adjacent shadows against bright stone and sky.  It was here where he first said “I love you,” whispered in her ear.

A man who resembled her ex appeared below.  Even had the same cat-like gait. Most people went up the side. He was climbing the chute—a local’s route. Emily watched his progress with curiosity.  Suddenly she realized it was him.  He had arrived quietly, much as when he first entered her life. 

Their eyes met.  He stared without expression for a moment.  A brief look of sadness gave way to a small smile.

He seemed to be searching for words before speaking.

“Chaz saw you at the grocery store and told me you were in town.  So when I saw you waiting at the light, I knew it was you. I kept driving a few minutes before turning around.”

“I had to tell you. All these years, I’m still sorry for hurting you,” he said more softly.

The directness took her by surprise.  But the response was easy.

“I forgave you long ago.”

“I knew you would.  But the way we ended changed me. Seeing myself through your eyes. It was a weight I couldn’t carry. It took a long time to dig out of that hole. Em, I’m still digging.”

She noticed a seriousness in his look.  She waited for the ask that she knew was coming.

“I always thought if we could meet face to face, you would see the changes were real. That you’d take me back.”

He looked down, kicking at a loose rock with his boot.

“But I was wrong,” he said quietly. “You defended your boundaries Em. Like a champ. I messed up. And… maybe that’s the way it has to end.”

He looked up, his eyes suddenly tired. “If things always go our way, we never learn, do we? Pushing you away was the biggest mistake of my life. But I needed that regret. It showed me who I need to become.”

He smiled weakly and turned away.   Emily watched him climb down the chute.  She wanted to call him back.  Her mouth opened but the words did not come.

His form grew smaller as he descended.

Emily sat very still. A Gambel’s quail called from somewhere below.

“Why didn’t you wait?” she whispered to herself.

She could chase him down.  Her pace was faster than his. She knew with a confidence drawn from a hundred trails hiked together.  Yes, she could easily catch him.  If she got up now.

But then, what would she say?

“I still love you”? She didn’t. Not the man he’d been.

“Let’s try again”? Maybe. She could love who he was becoming. But it wouldn’t be enough, not for either of them. Today it would only be a wish, and their shared past was made on broken wishes.

Emily stayed sitting. The cave was cool against her back. She watched him shrink into the slot, disappear briefly, then reappear at the bottom. He walked around the bend and was gone.

I’m doing it again, she thought. Choosing myself. Watching him walk away.

They’d shared this platform long ago, laughing together too briefly. Now their trains were headed in different directions. She would let him go once more.

She stood, brushed the red dust from her pants, and began the climb down.

“Now don’t walk too fast,” she whispered, smiling.

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